I don't think we're in Kansas anymore (part 2)

The Point was raised what do you call someone if they are from Kansas? Darrin and I debated over this. On and on our philosophies battled each other. It was seriously 4 1/2 to 5 minutes of conversation before we concluded with our complete ignorance. I mean we both knew that people from Texas are Texans and that you also have Floridians, Oakies, and New Yorkers. So perhaps someone from Kansas can help us solve this epic mystery. Here are a few of our more brilliant ideas for people from Kansas:

Kansasonan Kansasonian Kansanian Kansasser Kansasippian Kansassian
Kans-Assasin Kansey Kansasote ka-nidget

We tried looking at ArKansas but we found the same problem in fact this lead to further ideas such as:

If someone is from Vermont are they a varmint, vermin, or a vermonteer?

If someone is from Maryland are they a Marylander or Mariner?

If someone is from Kentucky are they a Ken trucker or are they an employee of KFC?

Food for thought. No pun intended.

And the Part of THE GIRL will be played by...

Sometimes girls employ clever mind trickery. On second thought, scratch the "sometimes" and replace it with "always." For example, a friend of mine (girl) invited me to dinner and a carnival with a bunch of people. Sounds safe right? Wrong. Right after I agreed, she responded by saying, "Ok, but you can't ditch out on me cause you’re my date." Bam! Just like that I had agreed to go on a date with a girl I considered just a friend. What’s worse is that this put me in the role of the girl. Thus, this should sound familiar to most girls, but it offered me further perspective into foreign territory. Sure I've been asked out before, but usually my “spidey-sense” warns me.

After an hour of being frozen in the headlights, reality set in. Due to prior dumbfoundedness (look it up) I had no idea what we were doing on the date. Was it a dance, carnival, or pistols at dawn? Should I where overalls or scuba gear? Problem two, do I pay? Does she? Do we go Dutch? Lucky Dutch guys! They have a much healthier dating protocol. Where do I have to go to enjoy the Dutch dating scene? Dutchland? Deutschland? Denmark? Or Holland? If I knew, I would be there right now. Anyway, payment and dress were the least of my problems. Inexperienced in the role of the girl, I could not think of any way to avoid the impending date. The worst part was when I heard that a lot of her guy friends had bailed on her recently. So I made the most of the date. Not only did I try to make it fun, but I also did my best to openly reveal every one of my character flaws that I could think of. I held nothing back. I was like a National Enquirer reporter seeking to exaggerate even the smallest imperfections. Judging by the events of the following day, this had no effect.

The next day I awoke wiser, refreshed, and completely unawares. After all this was day 2 at “being the girl.” She came over mid-day and started hanging out. She knocked on the door and just entered. I didn’t want to be rude, brutally honest, or lie and pretend I had prior plans. After all, two days of being a girl is not enough time to erode away all of my conscience. So I began employing clever girl trickery. I started doing dishes while she was talking at me. Then I cleaned the counters. Eventually I ran out of things to clean, so I said, “I’m hungry.” This backfired as she suggested we go out to eat. Great Idea lets invite a bunch of people! I called everyone I could think of. As you can see, I started getting better at being the girl, but I’m still a rookie. I spoke to a pro on Sunday who had 22 years of experience as a girl. She said, why didn’t you just say I need to take a nap? See what I mean? (Total pro).

My brief stint in this role wasn’t all bad. I enjoyed the complete lack of responsibility to plan the date and the financial accountability to carry it out. I did not enjoy hearing that we had held hands on our date even though we hadn’t. Man some people can be so aggressive and pushy! I’m just glad it’s over and I made it through without any hot flashes, emotional episodes, or pregnancy tests.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

So my friend Darin and I were discussing a poignant question yesterday.

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Tactical Dating Maneuvers

I recently learned that a friend of mine is a "pre-emptive breaker upper." As soon as she feels a hint that she's going to be thrown overboard, she quickly pushes the other person out of the relationship raft and into the shockingly cold waters. My only thought on this is what if there were no weapons of mass destruction? What if the reason for odd behavior was not a breakup, but actually a proposal in the works? This brings about the thought of little red flags that lead to a relationship civil war. For example, once, while I was dating a girl, I realized that I had never found out what she likes to do when we weren't together. Nothing was her answer. Nothing! How could that be? I questioned her about hobbies, sports, and media. She did nothing. She liked nothing, and so therefore all she did was nothing. Another friend told me that he dated a girl with no sense of humor. I said, "Don’t you mean a poor sense of humor?" He said, "NO sense of humor." I would rather date a girl with no sense of smell than one with no sense of humor. In fact this would be ideal. After all, I have a friend named Curtis who once said, "Dating is nothing more than holding in your gas all evening, while trying to think of intelligent things to say, and spending money on other people's wives." He's such an Optimist!

Breaking Up

Wow, it has been a long time. So much has happened. Work has been like a wild animal kingdom. Mice, deer, and weasel sightings are not uncommon. I think the employee of the month should have been presented with a stuffed weasel or deer. Also, everyone is getting engaged or breaking up and its not even Christmas. I figure Christmas is always the time that people evaluate the relationship in there minds, "do I really wanna get this person a Christmas gift or can I save the money by breaking up now" or do I really want to start of the new year with them or with a clean slate?" Whether the dumper or the dumpee, breakups stink. If you’re the dumpee, your heart gets trampled on and if you’re the dumper you track bleeding heart all over the carpet. A roommate once told me that he wished girls would just level with him during the breakup. He said, "No more made up excuses, I demand an explanation." Here's a thought, you’re to demanding! What he didn't realize is that the fake excuses are much more gentle then the jaggedly sharp truth. If enquiring minds really want a slap in the face, then here it is the unbridled untarnished blunt bone shattering truth.

**note: I'm sure this list is incomplete, but these are the only ones that come to mind when I have to break up with someone**

"I think we just need to take some time" --I've already wasted a lot of time and I can't stand to be around you a moment longer

"We are just two different people" --I'm good looking, your ugly, I can do better

"We have different personalities" --You don't have one

"We've grown apart" --I'm your second cousin (we're supposed to branch out)

"It’s not working out" --You need to work out (go to the Gym)

"We are headed in different directions" --Please stop following me, your Creepy

"This long distance relationship isn't working" --I've been seeing other people for months now and I have just been procrastinating this conversation

"I'm not ready for a serious boyfriend/girlfriend" --I want a funny one, you're boring

"We need to slow things down"--You're a terrible kisser, I got Whiplash trying to avoid you

"I'm not ready for commitment" --Your mental and should be committed

"I'm gay" --I hate when you cry and it’s easier to fake this then faking my own death

"We should start seeing other people" --I already do every time I look at you, in fact do you think my former girlfriend/boyfriend still likes me?

"You will find someone who will treat you right" --you need a prescription from a trained Psychologist

"I hope we can still be friends" --I really wanna date your roommate

"It's not you, its me" --It's you oh boy is it you! Just pick from one of the other excuses

"I need some time to find myself" --Get Lost