Flirting, Teasing, and Throwing

Today a girl at work lobbed a marker at me. Yes she throws like a girl (if you’re wondering). Then a thought struck me (as well as the marker). It took me back to a simpler time of tote trays, hall passes, and my He-man lunch pale (with matching thermos). Back then flirting was so much easier! If I liked a girl there was only one thing to do. Chuck stuff at her head! Some of you will know what I speak of, but if not, now’s a good time to try it. Start small. You don’t want to throw out your arm. After all, it’s been several years since Elementary (besides you pitched like a wounded duck back then). Side Note: try to avoid a lot of parentheses in blogs (they’re very distracting). After you master pencils, erasers, and crumpled pieces of paper you can then move to the more advanced objects (tote trays, hall passes, and lunch pales). Take a few moments and try this out. I promise you’ll enjoy the trip down memory lane or down the lane to the emergency room. The main key, is never tell the person you like them, just hurl stuff until they cry or report you to a higher authority (Manager, Professor, Mother-in-Law etc.). I sure enjoyed the trip down memory lane, at least, until I regained consciousness. Hmmm, maybe she doesn’t throw like a girl (and maybe I have a chance with her).

Secret Suspicion

I heard somewhere that 1 in 6 people are Chinese. I wonder if that statistic is true. It got me thinking, I have six people in my family…so logically one of us must be Chinese. I have a sneaky suspicion that it might be my brother Bob. True, Bob is 6 foot 9 inches tall, but Yao Ming, in the NBA, stands at 7 foot 5 inches tall. I mostly suspect Bob for three reasons. First, he seems to like rice (dead give away). Second, he has always taken me to weird Chinese buffets. Last of all, I selected him by process of elimination. I ruled out my Mom because she’s Canadian and my Dad because he has a full blown beard. I heard somewhere that it is genetically difficult for Chinese men to grow beards. From there I followed this same type of Logic to rule out my sisters and my other brother, Ping Le Shu.

An Unfullfilled Dream of Mine

Have you ever just wanted to run away to China or Africa? To just disappear for 5 or 7 years? To be involved in a barroom brawl or a Civil War and several near death experiences? I have. It would be a blast! (Assuming that I would survive all sorts of near death experiences in Mongolia, Tibet, and Thailand). Then I would come home with nothing but stories, a Mongolian horseman, and scars (that have their own stories). I would almost never share any of the stories and my friend from Mongolia wouldn't either on account of his tongue being cut out in Bangkok. People wouldn't know or understand the stories, but they would see stories of adventures in my eyes. Also, they would be afraid to wake me because of my quick reflexes and the fact that I would sleep with a knife. That would be cool. Pretty much my dream boils down to people not wanting to wake me because I like sleeping in.

Advice For Summer Barbecue's

Over the years I have compiled an extensive list in an effort to help summer barbecues reach their full potential. I have racked my brain in creating an endless list of non-negotiable rules that are crucial when attending or planning a barbecue. They are listed below:

Rule #1 Do not eat potatoe salad that has sat in the sun too long (Safety).

Rule #2 If your in England it is spelled "barbrecue" instead of "barbecue."

Rule #3 Do not, under any circumstances, ever ever ever put Cantaloupe in your fruit salad! I cannot stress this point enough. Cantaloupe is the Nazis Conformist fruit. It is not content with just tasting gross on its own. Oh no, Cantaloupe feels it must corrupt all other fruit in the fruit salad. First, it starts with the delicious watermelon (a nice enough melon until Cantaloupe corrupts it into tasting just like Cantaloupe). Second, Cantaloupe goes after the grapes. The grapes put up a bigger fight then the watermelon, but in the end they succumb and become sour. Third, the bananas go bad. How can you tell when a banana goes bad? I think the first sign is that it starts rallying others to its cause, but I'm digressing. Last, Cantaloupe affects the pears or apples. I list these two together because they both end up tasting like some weird fruit that is neither an apple nor a pear. All of these effects, are unnatural and irreversible. So if you really love Cantaloupe--STOP! Cantaloupe is only meant for barbecues in the deepest circle of hell. If you still love Cantaloupe, at least keep it in a separate dish. Or, better still, don't buy Cantaloupe and support its oppressive tyranny of fruits around the world.

Ahhhhhhh

Ahh!!! It feels so refreshing to post something short after long winded misfortune post.

Typing Impaired

Throughout myyy life I have met people who cope with stutters and other speech impediments. Latelyyyy, I have come to realize that I have a similar problem that occurs when I tyype things. I wonder if there is a support group for this?

Chain of Misfortune

It would take too long to explain all the misfortune, so I'll just give some highlights. Perhaps I really should respond to chain emails...nah they are all super lame.

1. Last week, my dental appointment confirmed to me something I have long suspected. I have super human healing powers. No matter how many times the Dr. stuck me with the needle in my mouth; it never resulted in any numbness. He pumped me so full of drugs that my head started to shake. Finally, they had to take several X-rays in order to coordinate a massive combined assault on the nerves in my jaw. Eventually, modern medicine prevailed and I left the office after 3 hour.

2. Several of my co-workers told me that I look like Jim from The Office (NBC show). I never get compared. For the record, I do not look like Jim from THE OFFICE. Jim from the office looks like me.

3. I brought cereal to work last Friday. It's not that weird. David Letterman has done it for 30 years. Ok, he hasn't, but I could really use an example like that if you have one. I left my milk at work over the weekend and it went bad.

4. So today, I had to move to another computer temporarily. It really threw me off my game. I spent along time just resetting up my shortcuts, email, etc. I would have kicked the person off my computer, but it was a girl. A nice girl (and by that I mean cute), but even if she wasn't I could not kick any girl off my computer. So I have spent most of the day, on the other side of the cubicle wall, surrounded by strangers, and eating dry cereal. Ok, so I bring cereal to work on Monday also.

Power of the People

Well, enough people finally pressured me into starting my own blog. Petitions, Picket Lines, and Political unrest have forced my hand. Let that be a lesson to all of you. There is no end to what you can accomplish if you get a lot of people behind you. Especially if those people are really really Big...and mean...and associated with mafia...and carry guns...and explosives...and are holding your family hostage. And by this I mean: Pretty much a whole slew of people (2) pressured me into creating a blog. So basically, this first post is a monument to the fact that when slight pressure was added--I caved.