Fresh Old Meat

I recently moved into Roman Gardens apartments. I’m not Roman and the whole thing is a cement jungle without any plants. Personally, I feel a little gypped. Moving, mid-semester, means that I am now “the new guy” in the complex. I can’t remember ever being “the new guy.” I’ve been “the tall guy,” “the weird guy,” “the good-looking guy,” “the ugly guy,” “the fishing guy,” and “the blogger guy” but never “the new guy.” It’s about time. So on Sunday, I felt like the “fresh meat” in my new ward as girl vultures circled in for a closer look. I had several who rapidly introduced themselves starting with their names, apartment numbers, and ring sizes. Four girls in particular decided to walk me to my car. It’s good to be “the new guy.” I trust they felt a deep sense of duty to protect, “the new guy.” While walking, one of them decided to play the “do you know Game.” I told her that I’m better with faces than names and also that it had been a while since High School. “A while,” she pondered, “when did you graduate?” I told her the blessed year of ‘97. “What about you four?” I asked. Suddenly a high pitched squeal broke the peaceful silence of the calm Sunday morning. In unison they replied, “2005!” As you can imagine, this was followed by several giggles that only 18 year old girls can fully achieve. Perhaps there will be a “new girl” next week.

A Pair of Legals?

Ok, so I met a girl last week who claimed to be a Paralegal. I did not want to pry and find out if she was born as a Paralegal or if some tragic accident had made her thus. I think it’s nice that we create special parking and larger bathroom stalls for Paralegal's. I always love those inspiring stories where someone's hit by a car and becomes paralegaled, but later works hard and ends up walking one day; however, I hate when someone claims to be a Paralegal and then you see them walking around. People like that deprive those who are truly paralegal. Man I wanna sue people like that!

Homeless

Last night I slept at my new apartment for the first time. It feels good to have an apartment again considering I moved out of my old apartment over a week ago. Now when someone asks, “Where do you live,” I no longer break out into open sobs. Now that I have been “hardened” by the cold streets of Provo, I feel it my duty to impart some of my new found street smarts. I’ve listed a few below.

#1 Did you know that 95% of homeless people are mentally ill? But I’m not. I swear
I’m not, and neither am I.

#2 Sleep in the median of freeways because the Police do not check there (I was only
told this).

#3 The Wall Street Journal is much warmer than the Daily Herald. A basic rule of
Thumb: the more want ads, the less you’ll feel the cold at night.

#4 New York times does not make good toilet paper (it’s already full of crap) Oh Burn!
It’s really bad when a homeless guy insults you!

#5 There are tons of places to hide and sleep on campus (Rebecca told me)
Perhaps Rebecca has been homeless before (considering she’s completely bonkers)

#6 Be creative! Don’t just make a cardboard house, make a cardboard palace!

#7 Expiration dates on food are just suggestions made by the non-adventurous

#8 Don’t eat yellow snow. Just trust me on this one

#9 Chicks dig homeless guys and so do dogs, rats, and skunks

#10 I once saw a skunk catch a fish with its bare hands (Right in front of me). I was not
Homeless at the time (just camping) but it was still cool.

#11 A fish bit my nose once. This is also a true story, but it also didn’t happen while I
was homeless.

#12 If you can help it, try to only be homeless during summer months.

As you can see I gained a lot of profound insight from my 8 day stint as a person without home or bed. True, perhaps after 800 days I would learn even more, but there is one lesson that everyone learns the very first day--don’t become homeless!