Homeless

Last night I slept at my new apartment for the first time. It feels good to have an apartment again considering I moved out of my old apartment over a week ago. Now when someone asks, “Where do you live,” I no longer break out into open sobs. Now that I have been “hardened” by the cold streets of Provo, I feel it my duty to impart some of my new found street smarts. I’ve listed a few below.

#1 Did you know that 95% of homeless people are mentally ill? But I’m not. I swear
I’m not, and neither am I.

#2 Sleep in the median of freeways because the Police do not check there (I was only
told this).

#3 The Wall Street Journal is much warmer than the Daily Herald. A basic rule of
Thumb: the more want ads, the less you’ll feel the cold at night.

#4 New York times does not make good toilet paper (it’s already full of crap) Oh Burn!
It’s really bad when a homeless guy insults you!

#5 There are tons of places to hide and sleep on campus (Rebecca told me)
Perhaps Rebecca has been homeless before (considering she’s completely bonkers)

#6 Be creative! Don’t just make a cardboard house, make a cardboard palace!

#7 Expiration dates on food are just suggestions made by the non-adventurous

#8 Don’t eat yellow snow. Just trust me on this one

#9 Chicks dig homeless guys and so do dogs, rats, and skunks

#10 I once saw a skunk catch a fish with its bare hands (Right in front of me). I was not
Homeless at the time (just camping) but it was still cool.

#11 A fish bit my nose once. This is also a true story, but it also didn’t happen while I
was homeless.

#12 If you can help it, try to only be homeless during summer months.

As you can see I gained a lot of profound insight from my 8 day stint as a person without home or bed. True, perhaps after 800 days I would learn even more, but there is one lesson that everyone learns the very first day--don’t become homeless!